Greetings fellow Vermonters; I present to you the document of Vermont’s new independence from the United States of America.
Let’s face it, the US is a sinking ship — Donald Trump is a serious presidential candidate, NASA is as funded as a twelve-year-old’s 401k, and the Kardashians are still relevant. Obviously a breakup of the union is impending, and if we Vermonters assert our country-status again, we can come out ahead of our fellow states.
Sure, it won’t be easy, but we can really get our green movement started and our government representing the people. With a GDP of about $30,000,000,000, life may be rough, but I think that we as Vermonters can handle a little bit of a tighter budget. Anyways, who needs money when you have a great view of the green mountains? (Or the nearest liquor store if you live in Barre). Food wouldn’t be an issue with the remarkably effective locavore movement, and the affluence of our many farms; and our towns will care for themselves.
Which brings up the next point, our economic system. Let’s be real, nobody likes Capitalism, or not very much, anyways: it’s too much work! I believe that, with the state’s conversion over to Socialism, everybody can enjoy the wonders of widespread mediocrity. Of course, we would have to deal with infrastructure and grid defunding, but who hasn’t had to deal with a few potholes, dilapidated dirt roads, and blackouts in Vermont?
Many of you may be worried about retaliation by the U.S. government, but if we succeed, then other states may follow in suit, further weakening the union. Vermont also has the highest number of gun owners (per capita) of any US state, making our citizens a formidable fighting force. And if all else fails, we can wait it out in the forest until this all blows over. If we succeed soon, we can gain more and more power and possibly absorb our neighboring states to form a truly powerful country.
With this document I formally declare Vermont’s formal Independence from the United States of America to form The People’s Republic of Vermont!
— Cole Fekert, Student, Harwood Union High School, Moretown, Vermont
