(Note from Detroit Free Press editorial: The Republicans who control the White House and Congress have had a lot of trouble agreeing on a health care bill — so it’s hard to imagine them coming together around something as momentous as the Declaration of Independence.
But since it’s the Fourth of July weekend, we asked Free Press columnist BRIAN DICKERSON to imagine how a fractious GOP might repeal and replace America’s founding document)
When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one
people PARTY to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another THE OTHER PARTY and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal SUPERIOR station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God BIGGEST ELECTORAL VICTORY EVER (IF YOU DON’T COUNT THE FRAUDULENT VOTES) entitles them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind DEMANDS OF CABLE NEWS requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation ISSUE A STATEMENT, IDEALLY BEFORE THE PRESIDENT TWEETS SOMETHING DIFFERENT FROM WHAT WE AGREED ON.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all
men PEOPLE NATIVE-BORN AMERICANS MEN are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable NON-TRANSFERABLE Rights, that among these are Life, (®REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE), Liberty FREEDOM FROM ONEROUS ENVIRONMENTAL REGULATIONS and the pursuit of Happiness TAX REFORM.
— That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of
the governed REPUBLICAN PRIMARY VOTERS — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends TOO BIG FOR ITS BRITCHES, it is the Right of the People A SELECT TASK FORCE OF WHITE MEN DESIGNATED BY THE SENATE MAJORITY LEADER to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness ECONOMIC AGENDA. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes, and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed, AT LEAST UNTIL SOMEONE MORE RELIABLE THAN ANTHONY KENNEDY IS IN A POSITION TO MAKE IT STICK.
— Such has been the patient sufferance of
these Colonies REPUBLICANS; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain PREVIOUS SO-CALLED PRESIDENT is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States SINGLE-PAYER HEALTH CARE. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good (CF. THE DEFENSE OF MARRIAGE ACT, NORTH CAROLINA VOTER I.D., ETC.)
has forbidden his Governors to pass OPPOSED Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them INCLUDING THE PERMITS NEEDED TO START THE KEYSTONE PIPELINE.
has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, CHRISTIAN BUSINESS OWNERS, LIKE THAT GUY WHO ACTUALLY HAD TO SUE TO ENFORCE HIS CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT NOT TO BAKE A GAY WEDDING CAKE unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only. …
He has combined with others to subject us to
a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws BAD DEALS LIKE NAFTA, THE PARIS CLIMATE ACCORDS, AND THAT TRANS-PACIFIC WACHAMACALLIT; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
For quartering large bodies of
armed troops ILLEGAL ALIENS among us:
For protecting them, by
a mock Trial INTERMINABLE IMMIGRATION PROCEEDINGS from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States THE DEPORTATIONS THEY SO RICHLY DESERVE:
cutting off our Trade TRADING with all parts of the world:
For imposing OBAMACARE Taxes on us without our Consent:
depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of REQUIRING OUTSTANDING AMERICANS, INCLUDING ENTERTAINERS, ENTREPRENEURS AND POLICE OFFICERS, TO UNDERGO EMBARRASSING Trials by Jury: For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences: For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies
For taking away our
Charters COAL, abolishing our most valuable Laws CREDIT DEFAULT SWAPS and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments RULES OF THE MORTGAGE AND BANKING INDUSTRIES.
uspending our own Legislatures CHALLENGING VOTER ID LAWS and declaring themselves HIM AND THE FEDERAL JUDGES HE APPOINTED invested with power to legislate for us PERMIT PRACTICALLY ANY AMERICAN CITIZEN TO VOTE in all cases whatsoever.
has abdicated USURPED STATE Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us IMPOSING ENVIRONMENTAL REGULATIONS NO STATE LEGISLATOR FROM KENTUCKY OR WEST VIRGINIA WOULD EVER VOTE FOR, EVEN IF THEY WERE CHOKING ON COAL DUST.
has plundered our seas WIRETAPPED OUR OFFICES (ALLEGEDLY), ravaged our homes EXPANDED OUR MEDICAID, burnt our towns NEGOTIATED VERY BAD DEALS, and destroyed the lives of our peoples SAID SO MANY NASTY THINGS ABOUT US. …
has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages RADICAL ISLAMIC TERRORISTS whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions. In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been EFFORTS TO POINT OUT WHAT A PHONY OBAMA WAS WERE answered only by r epeated injury. A FAKE NEWS. IT’S LIKE THE FAKE MEDIA THINKS HE’S A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people OR SOMETHING.
Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our
British brethren DEMOCRATIC COLLEAGUES. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the REDUCED circumstances of our emigration and settlement here THEIR REPRESENTATION IN THE HOUSE AND SENATE. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity SELF-INTEREST, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations THREATENED TO REVIVE THE PIZZAGATE AND VINCE FOSTER RUMORS, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence MILLIONS OF REPUBLICAN VOTERS ARE MORE THAN READY TO BELIEVE. But they too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity TOO BIG FOR THEIR BRITCHES. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind THEIR FRIENDS IN THE FAKE MEDIA, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends EVERYTHING.
We, therefore, the BEST Representatives of the united States of America EVER, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to
the Supreme Judge of the world FOX & FRIENDS for the rectitude of our intentions, do , in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies,solemnly publish and declare, That t hese united Colonies REPUBLICANS, WHO CONTROL ALL THREE BRANCHES OF GOVERNMENT, AT LEAST WHEN JUSTICE KENNEDY IS NOT WANDERING OFF THE RESERVATION, are and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States CALLING THE SHOTS, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown ALL PREVIOUS ITERATIONS OF AMERICAN PRINCIPLES, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain THE REST OF AMERICA is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States THE PARTY WITH A TENUOUS HOLD ON CONGRESS FOR AT LEAST THE NEXT 18 MONTHS they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. — EVEN IF — NO, ESPECIALLY IF — THEY DRIVE PEOPLE LIKE PSYCHO JOE AND CRAZY MIKA OUT OF THEIR MINDS.
And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the
protection of Divine Providence SUPREME COURT’S RULING IN CITIZENS UNITED V. SEC, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor, UNLESS THE PRESIDENT’S POLL NUMBERS CONTINUE TO GO SOUTH — IN WHICH CASE, IT’S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF.
— Brian Dickerson
Source link: http://www.freep.com/story/opinion/columnists/brian-dickerson/2017/07/02/declaration-independence-revised/442538001/